Read with your best Basil Rathbone impersonation.
My mother, the quiet some go so far as to say demure, elderly woman lives a simple life in a subdivision. Oh, and she has expressed this particular persona so well for so long that she has fooled almost all the people all the time. But mum has a dirty little secret.
June's pains seem harder to get a handle on than a greased swine. Just when the Nortriptyline seemed to be taking effect and her nerve pain was subsiding, the pain mysteriously started up again.
Back to the doctor and can you believe it, as it turns out June has been living a double life. During the day, she is an 87 year old woman with a plethora of medical problems, but by night, while I sleep she has been sneaking down to the ocean for a skinny dip.
Yes, to the layman it might seem that I have a screw loose, but wait... there's proof.
What proof you ask?
And I'm so glad you asked.
Yes! SHE HAS SWIMMER'S EAR! Aha! - Ha,..ha! - the true June revealed at last!
When the doctor stepped out I quickly confronted her with - “How did you get swimmers ear pray tell, mother?” She gave me that coy little smile and said in a weak and quavering tone - "well, I donno honey!"
I DON'T KNOW HONEY, my eye! I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night. Although this clever subterfuge, the weak and quavering tone, the effort to look old and small, has worked many times before, this time,…this time, would prove to be June’s Waterloo!
Too much evidence was stacked against her. First and foremost I feel compelled to address the seemingly out-of-character skinny dipping activity. The truth is, June does not own a bathing suit! Further, she would not jeopardize her undergarments by exposing them to salt water.
In addition, her constant refrain has been – “Philip, my ear is draining.” And where is this liquid coming from? She claims it started IN her ear,… “oh please, give me a little credit, mother”, I said in response to that little red herring!
And then there’s the seaweed fertilizer she uses? She claims to have purchased it at the local nursery for its high nitrogen properties. Only a fool would fail to see the link – sea and seaweed,… unmistakable!
And, I am awakened in the night by strange lights that appear in the hallway. When I get up the lights go out. Funny noises, ...yes funny,…noises coming from end of the house where the two car garage is. And car sounds at odd hours of the night, on the street, barely audible at first, then the sound of spinning tires from round the corner. Yes, very strange indeed.
But, even armed with this incontrovertible evidence to support my brilliant analysis, I decided to drop my investigation into this very serious matter. I realized that others, when shown the evidence might come to a different conclusion and may even consider me a killjoy. So I thought, "You've got to lighten up Philip, let her have her fun. You don’t want the moniker Killjoy do you?”
Obviously I had to subtly let her know, that I was not fooled by her little obfuscation, even as I relaxed the bonds of her captivity. So,...I told her, though she vehemently denied any unauthorized submersions, or any nocturnal dalliances involving an automobile, “if you must have your fun, don't do the back stroke, as it unnecessarily exposes your ears to the intrusion of water."
I have to hand it to the old girl, as she remained stone faced, her expression did not give away one iota of understanding. It was as if she had not comprehended one word I said or even giving the impression that she thought I was speaking to her. All she answered was, “I think I’ll go to bed now.” Ladies and gentlemen, it was only 7 pm. Clearly this was an attempt to escape judgement!
That flippant response almost motivated me to reopen the discussion, but alas, she was already trundling down the hallway, deep in conversation with Seattle, her cat about the various possible hiding places of her beloved cane, allegedly a cherished gift from a mysterious saint-like person residing in Oklahoma.
As a last attempt to give some evidence, at least in my own mind, that I am faithfully discharging the fiduciary responsibilities to my mother’s welfare, I fired one more shot across the proverbial bow, so to speak.
“You will take heed of what we talked about, mother,” said I, blindly, into her dressing area.
Dismissively, she answered “What was that? Have we been talking?”
Of course, of course, I should have expected the short-term-memory-loss ploy. But again, she was one step ahead of me, even though I should have been prepared, as she seems to be using it more and more of late. I decided to drop the subject, to take it up at a more opportune time. In the meantime, we treat her mysterious otitis externa with Amox-clav and ear drops.
She takes the amoxicillin-clavulanic acid (pills of size more suited for creatures bearing hooves) and for my part, I have increased the security around here. I'm sure that if I wait long enough, I will discover her nighttime beach visit - modus operandi, much in the same way I discovered her clandestine bungee jumping by the marks on her ankles. Naturally, she also denies any involvement in such thrill seeking, and claims some other innocent reason for the marks. Indeed!!!....
Ever vigilant,
Phantasmically yours,
Philip
